About ten years ago, I was doing a month-long immersion massage training at Esalen Institute at Big Sur, California. Towards the end of the training, we were invited to deepen our practice with a sweat lodge experience led by a shaman. He had dried sage incense, an abalone shell and a beautiful feather. We gathered a pile of small rocks, which we referred to as the “stone people”. Twenty of us all squeezed into a tiny tipi. I sat next to the shaman and really did not know what to expect. When the curtain door shut everything went pitch black.
The ritual began with some uncomfortable giggles and talks but when the shaman started his chant that became the only sound in the space. Words I could not recall were repeated. The fire pit in the middle started to glow with red coal, and then we welcomed the stone people into the room. We chanted a prayer to the East which represents our ancestors and the past. The shaman added water on top of the stone people, which created the steam. The heat at this point became very intense. I couldn’t breathe. I started to panic.
Horrifying images started to form inside my eyelids; liars, thieves and murderers. Then my mind took me on a journey to a hellish place. I saw deep within a mountain where souls were trapped and crying for help. My heart rate continued to rise. Then a voice came to me, “Don’t be afraid of your fear; welcome it and see what it has to teach you.” Strangely, I was able to breathe once I stopped blocking my fear. Somehow my body decided to breathe from my mouth and the moisture from the steam felt nice in my throat. I was able to be present and be my own witness at the same time.
The liars, thieves and murderers were my ancestors. I knew part of their remnants are in my DNA. I knew I am also capable of their deeds, and they were hunting me at this moment. Their sharp claws and poison tongues wanted to sink deep into my mind. All I could do was to forgive them. I forgave their wrong-doings and asked for all the people they had wronged to forgive them. My fear was just like the water we poured on the stone people – it all evaporated.
We came out of the tipi to take a hydration break. The shaman asked me and one of my classmates to look closely at the waterfall. We did not take our eyes off it for a solid five minutes. Then he asked us to look directly at the mountain rocks next to the waterfall. “What do you see?” he asked.
“I see the whole world opened up to me.” I replied with excitement.
“I see the world crumbling down.” My classmate answered in a small voice.
The shaman said nothing and just walked away with a smile.
I have contemplated this experience several times. Each time, I learn something new. Each time it gives me strength when I am afraid. “What are you teaching me today, my fear?”
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